Today I am feeling so low, so fed up with my life, so fed up with my “journey” that all I want to do is sit and cry and give up. What’s the point? Where is the joy in my life? Where is my laughter? What else do I have to overcome? People say that the universe has a plan for you, well my universe has lost its sense of humour right now! Some would say that you are only given what you can handle!! Well, please listen universe because I am at breaking point.
To the outside world my life looks great, easy, “lucky”. I have been thinking a lot about my month stay in hospital. Perhaps it is delayed trauma? I would love some answers. Three and a half years ago I was lying in a hospital bed fighting for my life. It would have been easier for me if I hadn’t made it through, this is how I feel right now. I sold my business, my home as I couldn’t cope. Five months later, when I was just believing that life was worth living again, I found out that I had breast cancer… Another 21 months later I am cancer free. This has been a tough journey.
So why am I not happy? I am emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted and financially exhausted. And do you know what? Life just keeps on going on around me. The people in my life still have their problems, their troubles and woes, their successes and triumphs – but to me this all feels so empty right here and right now. Am I jealous? Resentful? I ask myself these questions. No, not at all, I realise that it is just that I can’t deal with other people’s stuff right now. Total brain overwhelm. My life is disarray. No room for you.
I ask myself “Am I in Victim mode” partly, I think. “Am I lamenting my old life?” partly, I think. “Am I missing the buzz of a successful business?” partly, I think. “Have I lost my identity?” partly, I think. “Do I think about things differently now?” partly, I think. Just who is this person sitting here, right now, typing this? I truly don’t know.
Yesterday a friend messaged me “Hi Jane, how are you feeling?” – Baiju, a fellow entrepreneur, I am one of his clients – he took the time to ask me if I was OK. I said, “To be honest, I have been better”. He called me today and made a big difference to my world. I realised that friends come from all areas of your life in the most unexpected guise – you just have to be willing to say “I am not OK” and somehow the very act of using these words “I AM NOT OK” opened up a dialogue that gave me a shred of belief in myself again. He gave me the first step forward and a little laughter for the day.
Written in 2019.