It’s been a long haul since my breast cancer diagnosis in November 2017. I have literally kept my head down, researched and followed a very strict protocol.
This hasn’t left much time for socialising, doing things that make me happy and make me feel alive.
A few weeks ago, I posted about how I was feeling so low, unhappy and confused about who I am. I think that anyone who has had a life-threatening illness that has also pulled through, will identify with this. I lost my sense of essentially “who am I?” Totally focussing on my healing gave me a purpose, something to consume my days and nights – can I do this? Will it all be OK? But now I am healing, the tumour is breaking down, no sign of cancer, what is life now?
I feel a little like a caterpillar breaking out of the chrysalis and becoming a butterfly. A new fresh, clean person. All the work I have done personally to clear out the “deadly” parts of my life have left a big gap! So, what now?
Well, I was invited to a party last night. A party invite from a dear friend from my past – there would be lots of people there that I hadn’t seen in a long time, some 15 years ago. My “old life”. This made me very nervous – I haven’t been out much over the past two years, I haven’t done fun chat, laughing, dancing, being carefree, I have almost forgotten what it’s like! I had a new outfit, new shoes and went to the hairdressers for a wash and ‘out out’ blow dry – I wanted to feel good, this outward me to help with the anxiety inside.
At the last minute I decided I couldn’t go, I didn’t like the anxious feeling, the “oh what if I don’t know anyone, how will I be received?” Daft really, but very real to me.
I am currently staying with my youngest son, life throws curve balls for sure! I mentioned how I was feeling to him – his take was that I should go, enjoy myself and start living again. I had done “the time” so to speak, it was time to re-engage with life… meet old friends, make new ones and above all let my hair down, have a couple of drinks, laugh and dance.
So, that is precisely what I did… and guess what? I had a wonderful night – I woke up this morning with a slight headache, but also with the feeling of joy and happiness – I am so pleased that I went. A hurdle overcome and now I have a new purpose in life, it is meant to be lived with adventure and energy. The down times are necessary, but not for life. That old phrase, “one life, live it” is precisely what I am going to do. And yes, no doubt, I will experience down days, but the best is on its way.